Diaries are sacred places. They tell us of secrets that truly change everything about the prism we view people with. Bravery of friendship, naiveté of first love, heartbreak and betrayal, this little secret keeper knows it all. I took a page out of a girls’ diary whose eyes spoke more than her smile and it redefined what love and heartbreak can mean in our lives:
Have you ever loved someone so much that it took away your ability to breathe?
It’s been awhile. Between watching you sleep, childlike, as beams of sunlight illuminated your soft face like an angels to never seeing you again, life throws its curve-balls. It’s weird how we preach that changes are inevitable, yet some changes bring waves of suffering like a tsunami that destroys the very fabric of our being. But how do you truly love without that kind of intensity that could burn your being down in an instant? You said that you loved me more than I loved you; I now wonder which one of us was closer to the truth. I had asked for butterflies and I got a zoo with an expiry date.
I remember the feel of you, gripping me tightly every time like we were two souls connected with a kiss. I remember your room, the light that seeped from the cracks between your closed windows like nosy neighbours trying to peek in. I remember your books that never aligned straight, your coffee that was always a tad bit strong and your smile that brightened my mornings, noon and nights. I remember how we spilled onto each other on your little bed, hands and legs resembling a tangled mess, as we talked of our dreams and goals, sometimes leaving little constellations of our love on each other to reminisce and blush all evening. I also remember that the night you asked me out and the night you left have been the longest nights of my life and despite how they still make me feel, I wouldn’t want to change anything even if I had a chance.
There have been times when I wanted to call you and thank you. Thank you for stretching this heart beyond what I thought was humanly possible. Thank you for teaching me how to love and lose, for there are greater stories in tragedies than love stories. Thank you, for having my back when you did and for forcing me to stand up for myself when you didn’t. Thank you for being my miracle, no matter how short it may have seemed. I hope you have found your peace and a woman who can make you love her more than she ever could.