Do you know what it is like to love a man who can turn your heart into the open sky and a solid wall at his will?
I wait for some closure, like a unicorn, to save me from myself. I haven’t slept well since the night you left. Every corner, every turn, every song held our memories, now scattered across the universe like shards of glass, waiting to pierce me at unexpected moments. I walk on the glass with a smile that rivals that of Miss Universe, because faking it is easier than acknowledging and expressing the anguish I am in. Your absence is now a deep hole in my heart that keeps on digging itself with vulgar glee.
I spend my days agonising about what could have been. I spend my nights replaying every happy memory in my head until it threatens to burst apart with every hour I spend wetting my pillow, quietly and consistently. The truth is that I cannot stop loving you, ever. Like the moth, I cannot hold myself back despite knowing full well how this love will singe and then burn me. And whether you still choose to give me some space in your mind and heart, you will always have a wide bench in mine. My skies are now smudged with quiet desperation and loathing but they always have the rainbow of your smile etched between the clouds. It’s my secret talisman and my jinx.
I do not know what is more tragic; to keep on looking for you, wherever I go, or to never find you despite looking hard. I think I left a part of me back where we woke up together the first morning, legs and hands an entangled mess; lips, hesitant cowards and our hearts, complete traitors. I now wait for myself to come home someday.
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